Surviving
by Psycho Maddy
Summary: “Death is not the greatest loss in life. The greatest loss is what dies inside us while we live.” – Norman Cousins. Surviving is difficult but necessary. Set after Requiem 5x07


"_I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.__" - __Maya Angelou_

* * *

He clenched his jaw when his hand stopped of its own volition and out of habit he glared at it.

"Maybe you should call it a night" he heard her saying.

He would've hit the boat but he simply sighed. He moved around just to make sure he looked busy, even though he couldn't concentrate at the moment.

Jenny observed him from the top of the stairs, her hands resting on the banister. She hadn't expected to find a compliant Gibbs after the day's events but at least he looked sober and that was good enough for her. He wouldn't make this easy. She wouldn't have expected less of him and she had all the patience in the world. She wouldn't leave before she said everything he needed to hear.

"You staying there all night?" Gibbs asked harshly.

"If need be" Jenny replied. It was a good sign if he was already pissed.

Gibbs' hand curled into a fist and he sighed. With one gulp, he finished his drink and turned his back to her. He was not in the mood to deal with Jenny right now.

Clenching his jaw as tight as he could he flickered the lights off. Gibbs knew she couldn't see him now but she still annoyed him for just being there. Silently and still incredibly angry he walked in the dark toward the stairs. He couldn't see anything but he knew his basement enough to avoid tripping over something. Jenny was quiet but Gibbs could feel her presence. Stubborn woman. He walked up the stairs with heavy steps, making sure she could hear him loud and clear. When he reached the top of the stairs he felt her body blocking his path.

"I'm tired" Gibbs said coldly, grabbing her by the shoulders and moving her aside.

"Then go to sleep" she said.

He ignored her words and moved into the house with Jenny following his every move. By the time they'd reached the kitchen he turned around in frustration.

"Don't you have some ass to kiss?" he snarled.

Jenny flinched inwardly but kept a stoic face "You almost got yourself killed today"

Gibbs glared at her and just kept walkingthrough the house "Bye, Jenny" he said over his shoulder.

He headed to his bedroom and Jenny followed him all the way without as much as giving it a second thought. He went in but she stopped by the door.

"You were given a team for a reason" Jenny said as he disappeared into the bathroom. The response she got was the door being slammed shut. She sighed heavily and let her head fall to her chest. She listened carefully for any sound, the toilet flushing or water running. Nothing.

She crossed the room and leaned against the wall beside the bathroom door, resting her head against the cold surface and crossing her hands behind her back.

"She was your daughter's best friend and I'm not blaming you for caring" Jenny said as she stared at the things in the room. Funny how they brought memories of days spent together. She closed her eyes "but you went there without backup, risking not only your life but Maddie's too"

Jenny sighed and opened her eyes. She knew how Tony had rescued them "You broke one of your rules. You were negligent"

She knew those words were likely to get to him and seconds later he proved her right.

The door opened and Gibbs stormed past her "You're one to talk about being negligent, Director" he muttered, loud enough for Jenny to hear.

Jenny pressed her lips together, deep down she knew he was right. Gibbs walked to the wardrobe and took off his shirt, feeling her eyes on him. She didn't reply but he knew she wouldn't.

"If I remember correctly you did just that with Tony" he said without looking at her.

Jenny watched him as he put another shirt on and turned around, facing her "Tony is a grown man and a trained agent. I didn't force him into anything" she said.

Gibbs laughed and shook his head "You should hear your own advice next time"

She listened in silence and once more swallowed her pride, because he needed to say it as much as she needed to hearit. They stared at each other silently for what seemed like hours.

"It can't happen again, Jethro" Jenny said, her voice breaking the silence "What if Tony hadn't been there on time?" she asked, walking towards him.

"I trust my team" Gibbs said, looking down at her with a scowl as she stopped in front of him.

"You didn't know for sure if they would make it" she said, shaking her head slowly.

He shrugged "You did. Why wouldn't they?"

"What if it was too late?" she asked, arching an eyebrow "This is bigger than Maddie. By saving her, you _don't_ save them"

Gibbs clenched his jaw in anger "You don't know what you're talking about" he hissed.

"I still chase my demon, you know that" she shook her head "No matter how many people you save, you _can't_ change it. We both know too well that _nothing_ is gonna change what happened"

Jenny shrugged and looked down "It's always harder to survive" she whispered.

He couldn't stand the empathy in her eyes because this moment was his and his only. Gibbs looked away impatiently "You done with the lecture?" he said, turning his head to glare at her.

Jenny looked deep into his eyes "When you came back from Mexico I took you back and I'm telling you what I said that night"

He crossed his arms over his chest and waited, his lips pressed tightly together.

"You're good, that didn't change, but you're _not_ infallible" the look in her eyes saddened "and you _can't_ save everyone. Trying to do that will put yours and other lives at risk"

She looked at him, looked at the distance he was trying to put between them.

"Today you stopped breathing and that's exactly why I didn't want you back two years ago" she reached out and uncrossed his arms "I will _not_ stand by and watch you kill someone else and _yourself_"

Gibbs looked at her dead in the eye and glared, the muscles of his face tensing.

"One, because I won't allow that in my agency. You may pretend you don't know it but I still am your boss" she said, glaring at him briefly.

Jenny studied his face, debating whether she should say it or not. Her heart raced in her chest as she moistened her lips.

"Two, because I care" Jenny said. She paused and her voice softened as did her eyes "and I'd rather see you angry at me because I fired you than dead"

Her hand found his and she squeezed it. He didn't seem to acknowledge it though "I'm giving you a choice. Either you make sure it stops here or I'll do it"

She let go of his hand and spared him a last glance before turning around and walking to the door. She stopped at the doorway and hesitated before finally turning around one last time.

"Try to get some sleep" she said softly.

Gibbs watched her leave. When she was most likely gone, he sighed "Dammit Jenny" he said to himself as he lay on the bed.

He swallowed hard and tried to remember Kelly's face as best as he could. He kept telling himself he would not forget her face and he hoped it was true. Though one thing was certain, he would never forget how she made him feel.

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_A/N: I want to write a sequel but can't make any promises. Oh, and I saw the quotes in another story and borrowed it :p It's a Criminal Minds fic, The Greatest Loss. Forgive my mistakes, it's just me and Word. I hope you have fun reading this ;) _


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